testing clarification

My post on testing has generated some interest, so I thought I'd clear things up a bit. If the idea that I am trying to disrespect my instructors and/or their school came across, let me assure you that I am very happy with both instructors and the school. That would explain my happy injury reports from time to time, e.g. "Holy Christ do my legs hurt". Why I dislike testing has nothing to do with liking or disliking the school.

In Karate, and bear in mind that I started at 11, I was all about the next belt for a long time. To me getting that next belt, even if I hated the test, was more important than what I was learning, and that everyone should see my new belt and be proud of me. In a lot of Karate schools, getting that next belt is what is emphasized. As I progressed in Karate, the belt became less a source of just pride and more a way for other students to gague how skilled I was or what questions they could ask of me (I was a part time instructor and taught 10 or so hours a week, and I'd answer any question I could, teaching or not).

When I went on hiatus from Karate due to college and ended up in a Kung-Fu school in Newark, my perspective was still the teaching one. Going to this new school I was less worried about having a new sash (Kung-Fu does sashes where Karate does belts. Same diff really.) so much as going to class and learning. I still tested and looked forward to a new sash, but I realized that I really didn't like testing, I liked learning more. While in college I also studied another style of karate for a short time, studied Taiji for nearly a year, took full contact fighting training for I think another year, and trained incessantly on my own with some enthusiastic buds.

Eventually I returned to my Karate school for long enough to get my 2nd Dan, bringing with my everything I'd learned from all those other perspectives, and I really wowed some people. Though I utterly sucked at point sparring thanks to getting used to actually hitting people, my kata and my general knowledge were improved enough that I got to have a great time with the other instructors applying my new ideas to the current teachings. Really it was my 2nd Dan test that started my latest hatred of testing.

When I tested, as with all tests I actually take, I took it very seriously and threw everything I had into it. I did kata for nearly an hour straight, then interpreted the kata for like 30 minutes, then did techniques of different types and styles for and hour after that. Somewhere in there I got to pick up and physically hurl one of my fellow instructors into one of the other instructors, something that I still think about and giggle.

At the end of the day I was exhausted and irritable and had a sheet of paper that told me I was a 2nd Dan. Nearly every instructor who was testing me told me they knew I would pass. When I looked at that paper and thought about the test, I realized that the test was, in the eyes of my instructors, a formality. I wasn't actually being tested to see if I could hack it, I was actually going through the motions for little more than tradition's sake. Why bother then? If it's a foregone conclusion that I'm gonna pass, then why did I just throw all my energy, strength, and intensity into a test that didn't even matter in the eyes of those testing me?

The mental aspect of the test, seeing how I performed under pressure, was part of it. But the mental aspect of testing hasn't been a problem for me since I was 12; the biggest part of passing a test for me was just showing up. So at this advanced level when I've proved myself repeatedly in and outside of class, why was I being put through motions? That seemed strange to me then and seems strange to me now.

I'm certainly being arrogant here, but testing for a new sash holds little meaning for me. What holds meaning for me is what I learn, not my ability to perform it. In learning my latest forms (Mantis and Chinese Broadsword), I threw myself into studying, practicing, interpreting these forms. I learned so much, practiced so much, that I can't say enough how much I loved getting from "I'm not sure about this" to "I love this form". The process of learning is of intense value to me, discussing with my Sifu's various aspects of the forms, what to emphasize, what not to emphasize, where to sink and where to float... That's what I love about learning at the school: getting to the point that I'm not just learning a form, I'm getting so into the form that instructor/student relationship starts to blur into two enthusiastic people sharing knowledge and just enjoying looking at the possiblities before them.

I guess the most concise way to say this is, I don't like testing because I love learning. The belt or the sash that I wear is unimportant to me when compared to my passion for learning something that I enjoy so much. My emphasis, my perspective, is that I want to learn. Testing seems irrelevant to my learning process because I'm not at school to impress anyone but myself, and since what belt/sash I wear matters far less to me than if *I* feel like I'm doing a good job, it sorta kills the idea of testing for me.

Now, the easiest way to get me to shut up about my hatred of testing is as follows: "Steve" you say,"You aren't being tested on *if* you learned the material, you're being tested on how well you've learned the material and your test shows your instructors both what you've learned and what you still need to work on so that in future classes they can continue to guide you, but with a better gague of where YOU need to go." I'd like to say the instructors should know that from class, but they can't always pay enough attention with a busy class, so I don't really have a useful argument to use here.

In the end, I know I should test, want to or not. Testing is just another step on my path as a martial artist. It's not a step I like, and, right now I'm not sure it's a step I can take, but I can only avoid it or ignore it for so long.