The saga of my front door.

I was opening my front door the other day when the door knob came off in my hand. I stood there and stared at the little bastrard for a minute or two before the most eloquent and perfect statement came to mind: "Son of a..."

As not having a front door nob on the inside was clearly unacceptablee I tried to figure out how to reattch the thing and be done with it. The knob, you see, was held on by a single screw. That's simple enough, I thought; loosen screw, put back in place, tighten screw and be done with it. Well, that would have worked if it had not been for one tiny little detail. The previous owners had stripped the screw so badly that I could not even begin to loosen it. After trying rather hard to get the bastard out, I realized that I was screwed (ha!).

Despite my best efforts, the knob was done for. As this happened shortly before I had to be somewhere, I left after figuring out how to actually close and lock my door. I put up with the situation for a couple of days before I had the opportunity to snag my father and head to the Home Despot. Now, my door was made in the 1940's or so. Finding an appropriate replacement was... difficult. But, using the face place I had wisely brought along, we found a reasonable match (even though I would have to install it upside down) and made off with it.

The first problem became obvious when I realized that the two plates on my door where actually two different sizes. Then, when trying to get the bloody lock mechanism out of the door, I discovered that the previous owners had painted the fucker in place. So after fighting with that thing for a while, I managed to get it out. I compared it to the one I'd just bought and found that the new locking mechanism was less than half the size of the original. Grr.

Thus began the great jury rigging race of the day. I ventured into my basement, seeking some scrap wood so that I could actually screw the new mechanism into place, and found something appropriate. I got my hacksaw (the only saw I own), and got to work, eventually cutting the piece I needed. Or didn't need, as it turned out, as the piece was slightly too large. Off to look for more scraps!

The next piece I found was too small, but it was something I could fenagle into place with a little effort, a few nails, and several curses. Lo and behold, I actually managed to screw the new mechanism into place as well as get the knob and the lock to actually line up appropriately, if upside down. Next came screwing the faceplates on. The one side was difficult, but managable. It's slightly crooked, but good the hell enough. On to the front plate!

The plate didn't quite line up right on the front side, so it looks stupid, but I can live with that. The bottom screws go in just fine, but the top? Well, guess what. There's no way to actually screw them into anything. Son of a bitch. I haven't quite done anything about that, but I figure I'll just glue a couple screws in there, and none who haven't read my blog will be the wiser.

Last, but certainly not least, I put the door knob in place. I tighten it so that it sits firmly in place and, god dammit, the fucker won't turn. So, after losening the thing as much as I can stand, I have a loose door knob. It work, the lock actually works (from the inside only), so I really don't have that much to bitch about. But I'll be damned if it was easy to get from broken door to functional door.

Home ownership: everything it's cracked up to be. It may be worth it in the long run, but sometimes it's hard to see the big picture when you're busy fixing something and cursing your head off.